You see, I sorta have a little problem with speeding....
Okay, it's a big problem. I'm just so good all the time and I follow every rule for everything... traffic violations are my one vice. My way to stick it to the man. Stop signs? I roll them. 75 mph? I laugh in your face. Sadly, I had a run in with the law and discovered that I'm a total little pansy in the face of authority.
After cutting off traffic to pull over and about 30 seconds of trying to get my window down ( count that out! That's a long time!), I had already soaked my shirt in sweat. Hands shaking. Mind dull....here's how it all went down:
Officer: Maam, I clocked you going @#*%!^%@# back there (the speed was obscene. You can't handle it. Let's just call it instant court date and drivers lessons.)
Me: Yeah, I sorta have a heavy foot and my cruise control is broken. Sorry about that. ( WHAT? STOP TALKING, Amanda!! Play dumb, Play DUMB!)
Officer: Okay, well, I'm gonna need your license and proof of insurance.
So, I nervously shuffle through my purse and wallet and proceed to hand the guy my CREDIT CARD! Dumb accomplished.
The cop was really nice, saying to calm down and take my time. He gets my license and leaves to run it. At this time, I'm searching frantically for my proof of insurance, registration, spine....nothing. I have pepper spray, a spare toothbrush, and three different brands of napkins but no proper documentation of anything.
Me: I'm sorry sir, I don't have proof of anything. I am covered though, you want me to call them?
Officer: No, that's okay, I'm gonna let you off with warning but you watch your speed.
WHAT? Policeman...I LOVE YOU!!! I was picturing certain jail time and he let me go. I signed that paper with the shaky hand of a 90 year old woman and fled.
This was my third time to be pulled over and sent free. The first time was a case of mistaken identity, but before the cop could leave, I stopped him and confessed to underpaying the turnpike toll by a dime. He totally laughed at me. The second time, I was stopped going 50 in a 35 and said, " I'm sorry, I haven't made the mental transition yet from getting off the highway." Guess what? That cop laughed at me, too.
I've got a sinking feeling that my luck won't hold out much longer. So, to the happy policeman of Oklahoma, I thank you. I've decided to head your warnings at last and play by your rules, too. Why? Well, I'm just a lousy rebel. Oh, and I don't think I can handle the stress of those lights in the rearview again. I almost had a flippin' heart attack. I guess I'll just have to find some other way to get my thrills....
Hey, mattress tag.... you better watch your back.